Rage, guilt, shame and other Coronactivities

The reason I haven’t written many posts recently is because I feels callous to write about anything other than Armaggedon. Musings on my rather privileged and boring lock-down seem in bad taste, given the current state of the world and the fact that lots of people are having a really awful time. Even though psychologists and great thinkers suggest that we retreat into our smaller interior worlds to help us cope with waves of bad news, I still feel guilty about scrolling through Kardashian lock-down fashion and fixating on peoples’ interior design choices at Zoom meetings. There is a sense amoungst us that we shouldn’t be enjoying life when there are big bad serious things happening.

Guilt and Shame are big power players in the pandemic. On a day to day basis I can generally identify about 6 things that I am ashamed of including: being able to work, sitting on a park bench for 5 minutes, not spending time with my children, scoring ‘appallingly’ in an imaginary Ofsted inspection of home school, not volunteering for the NHS and being fit and healthy. These are the main ones, but I haven’t even touched the shame of slightly fancying the Chancellor Rishi and looking up his personal details on Wikipedia, during his delivery of the ‘daily update of doom’ at Number 10.

During lock-down, we are not only harder on ourselves but everyone around us, casting judgement and scoring people for their ability to social distance. Every time I get back from the supermarket, I get corona-rage about my ‘two metre’ space being invaded and rant about how I am going to get a megaphone and disgrace people for not following the ‘very simple’ rules. Later, I invariably feel guilty for my corona-rage because you don’t know everyone’s situation and it’s not very nice to be so judgemental. From local reports of nasty notes on cars, blocking off public footpaths and vandalism, it would seem that the general public have also got massive corona-rage and feel that it is their duty to shame the public, judging them for their lock-down failures.

I was considering how I could look after my friends when they are going through a really hard time; I try to treat them gently, listen to them, take them chocolate and hold their hands. Given that lock-down is a very hard time (and much harder for others) it seems totally bizarre that we are treating ourselves and our fellow humans with such harshness. It’s natural to want to assign blame for this grim situation and since we can’t actually shout at the Coronavirus itself (well we can if you want), we tend to be angry with ourselves and others instead. Maybe if we could be a little more aware of this behaviour, we will feel a bit better. Similarly we need to remind ourselves that it’s absolutely ok to laugh at Jo Exotic home haircuts, have some nice times during lockdown and not so feel guilty about our own ‘perceived’ failures.

Go easy on yourselves,

Sophie xoxo

Bedding in Blue Grey Linen (on sale). Pillowcase and quilt in Liberty oF London print ‘Capel.’

Insomnia : the all night rave that isn't fun

When I started to write this blog, I promised myself that I would only write about things that I am very familiar with and unfortunately insomnia is one of those things. Generally accompanied by its best friend Anxiety, insomnia usually sticks around for a couple of weeks, two or three times a year. Even though it’s appearance is relatively brief, this all night rave of worry and stress is all consuming and extremely debilitating. In this blog I thought I’d write about the things that help me get through these dark and lonely times and come out the other side feeling weary, but with a little more perspective. I’ll try not to regurgitate the same old tips on exercise and caffeine limits, but include some practical ideas that have helped me.

Get up , Get Out

No matter how little I may have slept, I try really hard to get up, make my bed and start the day. I find this helpful to try and reset my body clock and impose a routine on my sleep habits. If I really need to nap, I grab half an hour on the sofa, so that my bed is only associated with night time sleeping.

Run List for the day.

When I get up after a poor night’s sleep, I often feel rather hopeless and loosy-goosy about what I am going to do with the day. Anyone who has suffered from anxiety will know how hard it can be to make decisions. In order to reduce night time worry and avoid the ‘how the hell am I going to get through the day?’ feelings, I compose a ‘run list’ the night before. The ‘run list’ is very basic and includes little chores like dropping off the boys, walking the dog, work and also nice things such as reading a few chapters of a good book and having a bath. At the end of the day, I tick these off the run list, which makes me feel like that I am bossing it, in spite of the unwelcome anxiety and insomnia raving in my head.

Sleep Apps

Using sleep apps obsessively is counter productive in terms of giving too much time and energy over to ‘fixing a problem’ that can ultimately only fix itself. However, I do find sleep tracking technology quite useful with limited use (Sleepio). By looking at the quality, duration and time span of my sleep problems, I can see that my insomnia isn’t as drastic as I thought it might have been. It is clearly evident that my sleep goes through cycles and that I have made an excellent comeback from periods of insomnia. This helps me to challenge the irrational thoughts that scream ‘you will never, ever sleep again’ very rudely and loudly at 3 in the morning.

Meditation

In Russian, they don't say "I can't sleep." They say: "It isn't sleeping to me”. I really like this idea of not trying to sleep, but waiting for sleep to arrive. In order to welcome the elusive sleep, I use meditation to put myself in the most relaxed and calm position possible. I have to admit that I find quite a lot of meditation, in particular visualization, quite challenging. When I’m feeling anxious and wobbly, I find body scans and breathing meditations more accessible (Calm). In order to use meditation effectively at night, I try to practice once or twice during the day and attempt keep these sessions quite succinct, so that I don’t drift off to the ‘worry party’.

Insomnia can be really miserable and tricks you into thinking that it will never go away, but IT DOES. Rather like committing to a mantra, sometimes I find it helpful to write this down and repeat it often. Sleeplessness tends to ease once I have accepted its presence and worked out how I am going to manage it without being too controlling and obesessive. I don’t doubt that there are millions of others at this all night anxiety rave, and if you’re one of those party go-ers, please know that you have a friend (I’ll bring the vodka, you bring the whistles).

Sophie xxxx

Brighten up the insomnia party with new bedding in Liberty of London’s Felicite

Things you can do for someone feeling sad.

The best thing we can do to mark World Mental Health Day is to look after each other even more carefully. It's not easy to know what to say or do for someone who is experiencing a mental shit storm, but staying schtum and keeping our distance can leave folk feeling more isolated and crazy. After my second child I had crippling depression, anxiety and a stint at a MBU (Mother Baby Unit). Obviously, everyone is different but here are some suggestions to help you support someone who needs a friend.

Just be there

You don't need to offer up advice or conspicuously try and cheer your pal up  Pointing out all the jolly marvellous things in their lives may well make them feel even worse as sufferers of depression frequently feel guilty or inadequate for not being able to 'see' the good stuff. Instead try and accept that this is shit for your friend. Look them in the eye, tell them that you are there for them and that you will get through this together. 

Good Food

There is nothing wrong with polishing off packets of biscuits and drinking all the wine, however good nutrition is an important part of recovery. I used to forget to eat ( very hard to believe these days).  Bringing over good home cooked food or going out for a meal will help your friend feel better. Comfort food is comforting.  

Get out

I am not suggesting that you plan a schedule of activities in the manner of Heidi Hi.  However follow your friends lead, if she suggests going to the park, go. Other activities you may like to suggest include a feel good movie, a cuppa in a nice cafe or a rummage in a cool shop. Your friend may feel anxious about crowds or groups of people, therefore gentle activities that ease isolation are best. 

Do nice things

A mental health nurse once told me that one way of reversing the cycle of depression is simply to do nice things.  Therefore it may be helpful if you could do some of the boring chores that will enable your friend to do things that she/ he enjoyed before they felt so bad. Offer to take out the bins, do some laundry or tidy up. Jobs can seem very overwhelming to someone feeling unwell. 

Nature and Exercise

Both of the above have been known to ease depression and anxiety but it can be difficult to get motivated and easier to stay home and feel sad. Breathe some fresh air together and suggest a walk or bike ride. Being outside and around nature can be very calming to a shouty mind. 

Check In

You don't have to commit hours of time to supporting your friend. Short regular bursts of contact will make them feel supported and loved. Remember that you aren't their doctor or counsellor and point them in the right direction for professional help.

It's all gone a bit Dr. Phil here but mental health illnesses are horrible, stigmatising and debilitating.  It's amazing how a small kind gesture can make a difference and I really feel that little cups of tea and outings with my girl gang helped me to recover.

I had better sign off now before I get too cheesy and start quoting the lyrics to Heal the World. 

Love

Sophie xox

Poppy and Honesty are proud to be partners with Lobella Loves, a beautifully curated website that makes a donation to maternal mental health charities with every purchase made. Head on over to their pretty pages. 

10 years on... advice I would give my younger Mummy self

Mr. P and I celebrated 10 years of parenthood last weekend. We've been chatting about the ups and downs and having a chuckle about the nutty stuff we did. If I was able to steal MJ Fox's time-machine and go back to 2007, these are some of the things I would tell my rookie parent self...

Choose your girl gang carefully

I felt a huge pressure to socialise my children regularly. If I wasn't attending playgroups. gymbaroo (?) or god awful singing in the library, my kids were definitely going to be sociopaths or psychopaths right? Subsequently I ended up hanging with some quite judgy women and through the fog of tiredness/PND and trying to navigate my way through the early years,  I didn't recognise that this wasn't a supportive or healthy place for me and the sprogs. Thankfully, I had a couple of amazing queens on my side. They always lifted my spirits and didn't give a monkeys if you bribed the kids into the bath with jelly babies. 

Always chose fun

I missed out on seeing the late George Michael sing Wake me Up Before you Go Go because I had to do the night feed. There is so much boring shit that you have to do as a parent. The housework is endless. Given another chance, unless the house was about to be condemned a slum,  I would  ditch the dishes in favour of drinks with the girl gang and give the babe a bottle so that I could shimmy on down to Club Tropicana with George. 

Mummy -  tummy? Whatever.

It is a bloody shock to see your post pregnancy stomach. I can liken it to the dimply party pasty available in our Cornish bakery. Tip to former self- don't look at it. There are so many more important things to do (like have fun) and you are so much more than a wobbly tum. 

Stop analysing the elusive 'bond'

I bought into the idea that I had to feel an automatic, unstoppable, all-consuming connection with my babies as soon as they were born. Subsequently I spent such a long time looking for this and became more and more anxious that it just wasn't there. Given the opportunity, I'd definitely tell my former self to take a step back, be patient and watch the relationship blossom over time.  My big kid was recently very poorly, we spent the whole time together watching telly and having fizzy drinks. There is no doubt in my mind that we go together like a good gin and tonic. 

There is suffering in parenting

An SAS soldier recently told me that sleep deprivation was the WORST part of his interrogation training (am not sure that included water boarding). Being kept awake by a baby for years is torture and so is being told to F*** off by children that have been your life's work. The only book I read as a Mum was Buddhism for Mothers. I'm not buddhist but totally subscribe to the idea that as a parent you have to accept a level of suffering. 

I can think of million more things,  but that will do for now. To all Poppy and Honesty's  pixelated young mummies, you're doing a fabulous job. We are bringing out a new grown up range just for you guys, Why should the moppets have all the good stuff when we do the school run with rice crispies in our hair ?

Big love 

Sophie xxxx

PS. Some great Mummy bloggers to follow. Peter and Jane: hilarious, tells it like it is. The London Mummy: Treats for Mummies and kids.  Mother Pukka- championing flexible working for parents. 

When you're not feeling the sparkles

There's nothing quite like forced joviality to make you feel more rubbish if you are feeling really low. A number of years ago, I had crippling Post Natal Depression at Christmas. On receipt of a lovely, well wishing text suggesting that we would be having a wonderfully snuggly time with our gorgeous new babe, I smashed my phone against the wall (terribly counter productive, resulting in hours swearing in The Apple shop with a crying baby). The fact is, shit doesn't stop happening just because its Christmas. For plenty of people out there, it will be a challenging test of endurance rather than rocking around the Christmas tree wearing a paper hat at a jaunty angle. So, for those of you feeling really rubbish, this blog is for you.

If you haven't read 'Reasons To Stay Alive' by Matt Haig, please do. In fact, give it to everyone you know. It's a book about depression which isn't depressing, nor is it preachy or insistent that you follow some kind of radical regime that involves weird things like stuffing coffee enemas up your bum and refusing conventional treatment. Matt nails the experience with his deeply moving personal account of his battle with acute depression and anxiety. With the support of his great girlfriend and family, Matt finds his way through and learns to accept and even find meaning from his debilitating illness. His account is absolutely spot on. If you have ever struggled with your mental health, reading his book will be like listening to lyrics in your 'break up' soundtrack, his words feel so true. I particularly liked this passage: 

"If you have ever believed a depressive wants to be happy, you are wrong. They could not care less about the luxury of happiness. They just want to feel an absence of pain. To escape a mind on fire, where thoughts blaze and smoke like old possessions lost to arson. To be normal."

Matt tells us about his most frightening experiences, but doesn't dwell on them; instead he gives hope to the situation and reveals that depression has given him greater empathy and an ability to feel more in the world. The book isn't about well-being buzz words and Matt doesn't refer to a 'journey' unless he is actually going somewhere. If you're wondering whether or not this book is for you, it probably is. Whether you suffer mental from health issues, know someone going through this stuff or even if you just want to know more about the experience of being human and being alive, go and grab a copy.

If anyone reading this is going through a horrible time, I understand (and so does Matt). Christmas will be tough, but they'll be another one next year. I promise you that you will feel the sparkles again and they will be brighter and more sparkly than before. I  always think that the best experiences and moments in life are the ones that aren't scheduled. Lurid jumpers, awful shouty songs about how it should be christmas every bloody day and getting crushed in the shops can all be appreciated another time. 

Sophie xoxox

PS. All Matt Haig's books are total winners. I can highly recommend them all.